Thoughts at 20 weeks in

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We made it to 20 weeks, y’all! In 20 more weeks, we’ll have a new baby girl to love on. ANOTHER GIRL! As cool as it would have been to have a boy, I’d honestly have zero idea what to do with one. I mean, raising kids is raising kids. Boy or girl, I’m sure I could figure it out. But being a woman myself, and having already raised a little woman for 7 years, I feel better prepared for a daughter. I’d saved a bin of my favorite outfits of Aubrey’s and let me tell you, I was 100% in my feelings getting those clothes back out of storage. All of the feels.

I’m honestly surprised at how fast this pregnancy has gone by. I thought for sure with an IVF pregnancy (you find out as SOON as you’re pregnant, around 6 weeks), it’d be crawling along at a glacial pace. But we’re already half way through, and I have some thoughts.

Aubrey has been the center of our universe for the last 7 years. Her happiness is our happiness, and we’ve gotten into a nice little groove just the 3 of us. What will happen when we add a 4th to our little crew? Will our hearts just grow like I’ve heard from other parents? Will I succumb to the needs of more auto space and buy a mini van (no, never)?  Will Aubrey be ok? Will we be ok?

I want to preface this thought vomit with a little disclaimer: We tried to get pregnant for 5+ years. We went through IVF to get to where we are, and you better believe I am so thankful and happy to be pregnant. I understand not everyone who is trying to conceive will reach our outcome, and I empathize and stand with them. I was them. One of my favorite quote sums it up,

“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.”

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Thoughts at 20 weeks in

  • I cherish my alone time. I get about six hours every weekday to myself to do whatever I please. How will this affect my sanity?
  • Sometimes if I look too long at Aubrey, I can make myself cry. Cry for the death of her being an only child. Cry because I can’t imagine loving another human as much as I love her. Cry because I love her so much. I be cryin’.
  • This is going by way too fast. I adore being pregnant, wish it would slow down.
  • Change has never been easy for me. I’ve never craved new scenery  or welcomed change with open arms. Will we fall into a routine quickly? I suppose we don’t have any other choice.
  • The more I feel the baby kick, the closer the finish line feels. The finish line being birth. I’ve done birth, and as magical as it was…that shit hurt. I don’t wanna hurt like that again =(
  • I cannot wait to see Aubrey in her new role as big sister. She’s going to be the best.
  • Although in a late night sob fest, she did mention not wanting to take her sister to any of our ‘spacial places’ and that those ‘special places’ were still reserved for just us 3. Yikes,
  • How hard will our Disney trips be now? Be honest.
  • How hard will life be now? Be honest.
  • Our family will be complete in 20 weeks, and it feels like everything I’ve ever truly  madly deeply wanted in life will be mine. Terrifying.
  • Head coaching Aubrey’s softball team while pregnant is fine. It’s fine.

I’m full of thoughts and what if’s and dreams and anxieties and love and so many other things as I anticipate this little ones arrival. When I’m cuddled in bed with my two favorite people, my brain takes a rest. Anxiety moves to the back burner and love takes control. At the end of the day, everything will be alright. Even better than alright. Right?


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Cool mom, traveler, creative being.

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